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Monday, November 22, 2010

Why You Should Watch First Blood Again

     What are the predominant images of Rambo? Wielding a 50 caliber machine gun single handedly, shooting people with explosive arrows, ramming a Russian helicopter with a tank, lining up against the whole Russian army in the open field, and generally absurdly badass and violent shit. However, the vast majority of this icon we have comes from the three films that followed First Blood. First Blood is an oddity in the Rambo Quadrilogy in that it’s a different kind of movie, about different kinds of things, and with different kinds of characters. Would you believe me if I told you that Rambo does not kill anyone? Would you believe me if I told you that he spends the majority of his time running away from conflict and even attempts to call a truce with the men chasing him? Would you believe me if I told you that Rambo ends the movie weeping openly in the arms of another man? Yep, John J. Fucking Rambo. He’s as gentle as a Christmas lamb. In fact there’s not a lot about First Blood that falls in line with what we expect from Rambo.

     Rambo became legendary for his violence and explosions (the pyrotechnics became exceptionally over-the-top, you know who you are “waterfall scene”), but what we get in First Blood is Rambo using his guerrilla warfare techniques to sneakily incapacitate his pursuers – as opposed to liquefying them with a 20mm automatic cannon or piloting a tank over them. Ultimately, with the exception of Teasle, Rambo’s victims in First Blood walk into traps during their pursuit and are thus justifiably incapacitated by Rambo as the defender, not aggressor. Likewise, the explosions caused by Rambo are meant only to be distractions – no one gets exploded!

     It’s important to point out that, unlike all of the sequels, First Blood takes place right here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A (actually filmed in Canada), so immediately there is not that typical Rambo conflict of “us versus them” that absolves him from mercilessly slaughtering droves communist meat – this time, the meat is us. That is really the crux of meaning in First Blood, it’s about the internal struggle of America dealing with returned Vietnam vets as much as it is about the internal struggle of Rambo dealing with his nature, his past, and the difficulties moving forward into the future. Notice how I wrote “internal” when describing a Rambo film, that’s fucking crazy, right? The rest of the Rambo films really just focus on what Rambo does to people, mainly kill them, while he remains very two dimensional. Essentially, Rambo becomes a parody of Rambo and by the fourth installment I started to wonder if Sylvester Stallone and company knew this as well. For example, in Rambo (2008) when the mercenary says he’s seen Rambo’s “thousand yard stare” before, haven't we all? After First Blood that stare became a sort of short-hand for the internal world of Rambo that writers and directors of the last three films did not care to explore.

     Another key feature that further distinguishes First Blood from the rest of the series is the use of figurative and symbolic elements that reveal depth in the narrative. Sure, naming the town “Hope,” in which the veteran cannot stay, is pretty obvious, but the scene in which Rambo is trapped in the dark, claustrophobic, and labyrinthine caves and beset by rats is very much appreciated. Certainly the cave scene does absolutely nothing to advance the killer reputation of Rambo, but that reinforces my point, First Blood is not about killing, it was an internal conflict. Also, there’s a whole thread running through the film about “civilian vs. non-civilian” that weaves through a lot of the things I already wrote about, but I mention it just because it is indicative of the kind of deeper thought and meaning explored in First Blood and subsequently forgotten about.

     This is probably a good place to point out that First Blood was based on the novel by David Morrell and it was the only installment to have such a literary basis. Of course it is also no surprise then that the director and writer of First Blood did not come back for round two, three, or four.

     So what’s the point? The Rambo Trilogy is garbage - it is just thoughtless junk, it has no meaning, and it has no substance. In particular, First Blood II is utter and irredeemable shit, Rambo III is like porn without the good stuff, and Rambo (2008) flirted with the idea of being sincere, but decided to stick an M80 in a cat’s ass instead. Those three films belong together, really, they deserve each other. But not First Blood. It doesn’t belong. It is a good film and if it is given a chance outside of the expectations put on it by subsequent Rambo films, has a lot to offer.

"Listen up kids, this is how Rambo solves problems."

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Have You Seen The Price of Gasoline?

Ha! I love it, especially the farty instrument. I haven't seen the price of gasoline, and I don't give a shit, but I'm sure it's outrageous. Who else is brown, has shitloads of oil, and is willing to accept America's liberation? Problem solved.

The American Internet

Everyone knows that America owns the internet. America put a flag right in the internet's asshole, claimed it, and is now waterboarding it. You're the one who is arrogant for thinking you could do anything about it.

Senate Passes Bill To Quash Pirate Websites  

Friday, November 19, 2010

Butt Hair


     The theory put forth and accepted largely by the scientific community basically says that the anus fuzz is just a left-over from our hairy ancestors and remained as a sort of “residue” of the ball hair. The function of the ball hair, says the scientific community, is to keep the balls warm and to protect the gentle, little scrotums of ancient man from UV damage. It is a well accepted theory that. “Going commando” did not develop until surprisingly late in the evolution of the human species, not until Homo sapiens. Scientists claim that, while many of man’s ancestors before sapiens dangled their balls freely in the open air (Homo ergaster was noted as having a particular gift for freely dangling its balls) it was not until H. sapiens had the option of clothing their junk that they could shun such coverings and thus could, in the technically appropriate use of the term, “go commando.” Like most modern humans, the body is unsure what to do with that area between the butt and balls, colloquially called the “gooch,” “BB,” or “trundle,” and thus does not distinguish the area behind the balls as separate from the balls themselves. So, basically, as long as you have hair on your balls you will have hair in your butt, so scientists say. 

  

New Word

Zaz (n.)

1. The quality of being lively, exciting, and energetic.
  • Informal. The quality of being unique.
  • Do you see that guy rollerblading shirtless with the spandex shorts and pink "Corona" visor? That guy has zaz. 

2. A thing that adds zaz.
  • This hotdog is plain, put some fuckin' zaz on it!

 Zazzy (adj.) zazzier, zazziest.


1. Pertaining to or suggestive of zaz.
  • You are zazzy.
Origin: Because I've got shit to do  I don't have time to to go around all day saying your long-ass words(short for pizzaz).
  

New Look!

In order to increase this blog's chances of getting herpes, I've made it more attractive. That zazzy header? Mine. That sick-nasty background. Mine. Kinda (look, don't get into it, because, you know, I'm sure you have better things to do that call me out on some bullshit. I know that's how the internet works, but just know that I will not hesitate to delete your stupid comments if you decide to try and be "the smartest guy in the room.").

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Problem Solving Skills

[11:32:01 PM] LatinaMaid69:whoa...she sounds kinda crazy
[11:32:11 PM] BiGBaWLa007: Yeah.
[11:32:52 PM] BiGBaWLa007: I have no idea how I was supposed to distinguish her bowl from the mess of other shit in the house.
[11:33:15 PM] LatinaMaid69: wow...i'm sorry, that sounds lame
[11:33:34 PM] BiGBaWLa007: It makes me want to rub my dick on her towel when she's not home.
[11:33:54 PM] BiGBaWLa007: Face towel.
[11:34:06 PM] LatinaMaid69: ewww!!  do it do it!
[11:34:13 PM] BiGBaWLa007: Haha. Did it.
[11:34:40 PM] BiGBaWLa007: That's how I roll
[11:34:51 PM] BiGBaWLa007: I put my dick on stuff that you use.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

New Word


Rambo (v.)

1. Perform an activity with excessive destruction and/or violence.
  • For example, if you are making pancakes and to stir the batter you put the tip of your automatic machine gun in the bowl and pull the trigger - you ramboed the batter. If in order to cook those pancakes you set fire to the house and tore apart your refrigerator to use the scrap metal as the grill - you ramboed the pancakes.    
  • I am so hungry I will rambo that cheesburger.   
  • This guy in a helicopter was trying to shoot me while I was in a tank, so I ramboed him.