Just Like Jesus

 

Who doesn't aspire to obtain the magical perfection that is our Lord, Jesus Christ? With his silky hair blowing roguishly in the wind and his masculine yet soft beard framing his kind and supple lips, his crown sits loftily upon his head as he smolders in the most holy fashion on a far away and exotic beach. He contemplates a shrewd and tasteful product endorsement while ruminating on his upcoming project with Johnny Depp. He truly is the best of us, if only I could be Just Like Jesus.

I AM Just Like Jesus except:

1. I don't care who wins the Super Bowl and my powers to influence the outcome are very limited.
2. I don't love white people more than everyone else.
3. My pink polo shirt smells like hot garbage, not CK One.
4. Poor people don't frighten me.
5. I didn't think George Bush's tax cuts for the super rich were such a good idea.
6. I don't have that dark and exotic Mediterranean look.
7. I drive a bicycle, not a porsche.
8. My portfolio is much weaker and much less diversified. I still don't understand derivatives, Jesus invented them.
9. I prefer boxer briefs.
10. I would NEVER let Mel Gibson make a movie about me.
11. I don't have A P90X body and I drink too much wine.
12. If I was a ghost I would totally be Patrick Swayze and haunt my loved ones. We miss you Swayze-dogg!
13. I think Kirk Cameron is a douche.
14. My blood is some Old E 40 juice. Jesus's blood is either a cabernet or Michelob Ultra.
15. When we walk on the beach, I am sure as hell not carrying you.
16. My dad didn't give me a trust fund. 
17. I can't afford to eat at McCormick and Schmicks Seafood when there are perfectly good fish sticks in the freezer.
18. I don't only drink VOSS artisan water that has been blessed by my dad's friends. 
19. I usually have to work on Sundays.
20. I'm not really into "hanging out."