I LOVE PEACHES! - The Ultimate Travel Guide To The Land Of Peaches

Your soft curves tantalize my eyes and your pink fuzzy flesh tempts my tongue. I'm drawn into your sweet juices like a suckling babe. Your ripe goodness, so bountiful, is nurture for my natural appetites. I want to bite so deep into you, your wetness dribbles down my chin. I no longer care. I'm lost, abandoned in your sweetness.

And so my love affair with peaches has begun. Now I finally understand what Nicolas Cage meant when he said: I can eat a peach for hours. Yum.

If you haven't guessed, it's peach season. Peach season doesn't mean much to you city folk with your supermarkets and your everything-all-the-time attitudes and your fancy restaurants and your iPhones and your running water and your indoor toilets. Truth be told, before this summer peach season never meant anything to me either and I could not have told you when the season started (I always imagined it would be sometime around prom though . . . ), but living out in this country-ass town has some serious benefits - the principle being intimate knowledge of the most delicious peaches on earth.

I totally underestimated the transformative power of peaches. My first local peach was nothing short of life changing paradigm shift. Suddenly, there was chance for peace in the Middle East, America could solve its debt crisis without harming the poor and underprivileged, my life wasn't a downward spiral of regret and shattered illusions, but most importantly, I could finally forgive George W. Bush. That is a powerful peach. If there is something so unquestionably good on this earth, then maybe this isn't such a bad place after all.

The downside to eating the best peaches on earth is that I can never go back or have anything less than perfection. I can never buy a supermarket peach and think, "eh, close enough." I can’t eat a peach that has been shipped from another hemisphere. I can’t eat a peach out of can. I can't even play Super Mario Brothers because saving Princess Peach seems like such a waste of time compared to enjoying the real thing. After eating delicious, local peaches it angers me that food manufacturers make food products that "taste like" peach or have "peach flavoring." NOTHING is better than the real thing. This blatant fakery is offensive to my heart, body, and mind - nay! It is offensive to my very existence. This simply cannot stand and I am fully prepared to write a strongly worded letter to my representative on this matter.

You love peaches too? That's great. It's certainly not a contest, but if it were I'd be winning. So, if you love peaches let me give you a couple pointers on how to be a better peach lover.

 First, you have to serenade it:

Then, you have to make sweet love to it:

To top 10 reason why I am No. 1 Handsome Über CacoPeach Lover:

1. Wrote a 121 page account of the inaccuracies contained in Roald Dahl's James and the Giant Peach.
2.  I adopted a baby girl to name her Fay Elberta, then didn't let her have any of my peaches.
3.  Bathed in peach juice, then made love to myself.
4.  I gave up nectarines because they made peaches jealous.
5.  I ate a peach pit so that it would grow inside of me and I could be pregnant with baby peaches.
6.  I listen and I ask questions. I really do want to know how peaches are feeling. Open up to me.
7.  I stopped hanging around with my friends so I could spend more time with peaches. They made me act immature anyway.
8. I went back to school to get my accounting degree. I don't really like accounting, but there are a lot good opportunities out there and the money is pretty good to. I think it will give us the kind of stable lifestyle that can support where we want to get to, you know, family, car, and the picket fence. I'll just make writing and art a hobby, you know, that's what it really is anyway. You can't build a stable life on the arts.
9. I keep my hair cleaned up. Peaches bought me a new electric razor because she said it would be a lot easier for me to not look like a hobo. Peaches also got me a nose hair trimmer, which was pretty thoughtful. Next week we're going to the mall to get a new wardrobe; we're going to Structure and Gap. Peaches says my style is too "bohemian." It kinda is. I've made a lot of changes and it feels pretty good. Peaches says I clean up really well.
10. I killed my soul for peaches.