APOLLO 18 - I Didn't Even Bother With This Movie Review

What a goddamn lemon. Somehow I really got sucked up into the hype machine during the build-up for Apollo 18's release. The cryptic, grainy trailers piqued my interest like a hot lady sitting on the bus with a really short skirt; however, when this lady uncrossed her legs all I saw was a big fat dong.

This movie review marks a departure from my typical movie reviews in that this time I didn’t actually bother to see the movie. What?!  How can you deliver a cogent and insightful review of the movie if you haven’t seen it?  First off, I find this question offensive. Not that I want to get off on the wrong foot or create a bad first impression, but fuck you. Who do you think you are? You barge your way onto my blog and tell me how to run things? I don’t think so. I’ve worked too damn . . . well, I was going to write “hard,” but . . . suffice to say I have done stuff with some discernible amount of effort. Whatever. The point is, if you are expecting anything cogent or insightful then it is obvious you have not read anything on this blog and that hurts my feelings. There, I said it.


Sorry, I just lashed out there. I didn’t mean that. I dunno what’s been going on with me. I guess I thought I would get more visitors here and really I’m just disappointed with myself. Now I’m transferring that anger to you. It’s not fair, you’re right. It really is my own fault. I mean, who would do a movie review about a movie they haven’t even seen? Jesus! Is that arrogance or just stupidity? Wow, this has been a real eye opener for me.

I totally got you. I didn’t learn anything.

Oh, BTW:

THERE’S CRABS ON THE MOON! THE RUSSIANS GOT THERE FIRST! THEY DIE! IT’S A BUNCH OF CHEAP THRILLS! WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA! I’M STILL THE YAHTZEE KING!

GEMZ OF THE INTERWEBZ #3 - Swineskin Pointquest XV

And the winner of this round of internetting is: this person! Yay, this person. This is, at this moment in time, the funniest thing on the internet. The Wizard decided it, now it is fact. Deal with it. If you don't like it, get your own fantastic robes, mystical power to control the elements, and then start proclaiming things to be true. It's not that hard.

Rick Perry Is Coming . . .

My love affair with Rick Perry continues...

Daily Demotivations

Check out what you've been missing! I think you are a little too proactive and energetic so I added a demotivational page to knock you down a peg or two.

FRIGHT NIGHT - The Least Offensive Movie Review

What is Fright Night? What exactly is supposed to be so frightening about it? Do we really need another emo, glittering vampire movie? No, we don't, and luckily Fright Night doesn't give it to us. This vampire certainly does not  care about your stupid human feelings - I was pleasantly surprised.

Honestly, if this is not the role that Colin Farrell was born to play then I'm a jackass: hunky, suburban, working class Joe who moonlights as a serial rapist. He saunters freely around people's houses leering at moms and underaged teens alike, smiling and exuding the kind of confidence that a frat boy displays once you start feeling the roofies. There is just something about Colin Farrell that absolutely screams out: "I'm a rapist!" and what fantastic work on behalf of the casting director to tap into that natural rapey energy for this villainous role.

To fulfill his unholy desires, Jerry, the handy, do-it-yourself vampire in Fright Night, constructed his own impressive modern and innovative take on the classic rape dungeon. It's a rape dungeon in function, but in appearance it is merely the second floor of his inconspicuous suburban home. And staying under the radar isn't the only thing it has going for it! The sturdy framework, clean sheetrocking, and secure design really showed that Jerry  studied and honed his loathsome craft seriously over the past 400 years.  Though Bob Villa certainly is not a vampire rapist, he could appreciate the efficient, clean work of Jerry's little upstairs project.

And do you know how hard it is for a vampire to make a trip to Home Depot? Oh my God! First of all, he had to wait for winter so that it gets dark before they close, then, once inside, he was surrounded by tons deliciously retarded people that he couldn't eat. Willpower alert! Seriously, who at home depot knows their ass from their elbow, let alone a dovetail from a lap joint? When you're a serious rape dungeon craftsman, like Jerry, it must be absolutely infuriating to watch these foolish humans bungle their hard and softwoods. And who would ever miss them? Some degenerate, half-wit selling paint isn't going to be missed, that's for sure. He needs to be eaten! Spill that blood! NO! That's where Jerry's true dedication to the craft takes over. Despite his near overwhelming urge to devour everyone at Home Depot, Jerry withholds gratification, politely pays for his lumber, sheetrock, and screws, and goes home to build the most awesome suburban rape dungeon in Nevada.

Now, Jerry isn't just a one dimensional rapist. He's not just a "invite them over and imprison them in my rape dungeon" rapist; where's the challenge in that? Only a stripper would fall for that, and I'm not even sure they count. No, he's gotta a go bigger, more ambitious. A real proactive raper. Jerry brings his raping skills to the club where he is considerably aided in his pursuits by his super hunky exterior and his ability to move swiftly and cling to ceilings with superhuman ability. As if super hunky wasn't enough! P'shaw! And if that isn't proof that this guy is the wonderkin of raping, his blood is like pure GHB! The date rape drug! Crazy! I know! Just one taste and women fall in to a easily manipulable stupor. If some raging frat boy was bitten by a radioactive, rapist spider, you'd have Jerry; and if that radioactive frat boy moved next door to you, then you'd be in Fright Night!

Daily Demotivations

THE ONION - Fake News, Real Ads

Brian Cridge, head of online advertising

The Onion has started charging for access to its site. As justification for this move, the online fake news source sited the rising costs of paper, printing presses, gasoline, and other archaic operational costs, as having an adverse effect on the production and distribution chain. Also, The Onion simply could not fit enough ads for the new Scion tC on every page, or make them big enough, to support continued free access. Brian Cridge, head of online advertising, expressed his frustrations at not being able to fill 100% of the The Onion with ads for the sporty and customizable Scion tC. He was also disappointed that he could not rename The Onion, The Scion tC. "You know, if these fake journalists would take their heads out of the clouds, I could make this rig a shit ton of money. These fake journalists think their fake news is so important? How does fake news pay the bills? I'll see those assholes in line at the soup kitchen while I roll by in my pimped out Scion tC with the 4-piece aero kit. Cha-ching!"

Sheri Nugal, online delivery team lead

It is unclear how an audience who is accustomed to reading and sharing fake news stories freely will react to paying for their fake news content. Sheri Nugal, The Onion's online delivery team lead, defended the move by pointing out that people on the internet have a long, documented history of wanting to pay for information that's on the internet. “We’ll be fine,” the team lead confidently stated, “just fine.” With the ability to freely share articles, The Onion has grown tremendously through social networking; however, by inserting gatekeepers and restricted access to those same articles, The Onion hopes to maintain its social media momentum through the power of ancient magic and praying.

Ultimately, the move towards a pay-site makes sense because The Onion provides a valuable service not offered anywhere else on the internet. Known for its factual and truthful nature, the internet has yet to deliver another reliable source for things that are fake and entertaining that could rival The Onion. In this environment of primacy, The Onion's move stands as a bold one sure to corner the "stuff on the internet that is fake, mildly amusing, and easy to share because it is free, but now you have to pay for it instead of just finding one of a myriad of free alternatives" market. Bold indeed.