APOLLO 18 - I Didn't Even Bother With This Movie Review

What a goddamn lemon. Somehow I really got sucked up into the hype machine during the build-up for Apollo 18's release. The cryptic, grainy trailers piqued my interest like a hot lady sitting on the bus with a really short skirt; however, when this lady uncrossed her legs all I saw was a big fat dong.

This movie review marks a departure from my typical movie reviews in that this time I didn’t actually bother to see the movie. What?!  How can you deliver a cogent and insightful review of the movie if you haven’t seen it?  First off, I find this question offensive. Not that I want to get off on the wrong foot or create a bad first impression, but fuck you. Who do you think you are? You barge your way onto my blog and tell me how to run things? I don’t think so. I’ve worked too damn . . . well, I was going to write “hard,” but . . . suffice to say I have done stuff with some discernible amount of effort. Whatever. The point is, if you are expecting anything cogent or insightful then it is obvious you have not read anything on this blog and that hurts my feelings. There, I said it.


Sorry, I just lashed out there. I didn’t mean that. I dunno what’s been going on with me. I guess I thought I would get more visitors here and really I’m just disappointed with myself. Now I’m transferring that anger to you. It’s not fair, you’re right. It really is my own fault. I mean, who would do a movie review about a movie they haven’t even seen? Jesus! Is that arrogance or just stupidity? Wow, this has been a real eye opener for me.

I totally got you. I didn’t learn anything.

Oh, BTW:

THERE’S CRABS ON THE MOON! THE RUSSIANS GOT THERE FIRST! THEY DIE! IT’S A BUNCH OF CHEAP THRILLS! WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA! I’M STILL THE YAHTZEE KING!

COWBOYS AND ALIENS - WORST MOVIE REVIEW EVER WRITTEN!

Cowboys and Aliens, this is the big climactic action scene.

Cowboys and Aliens? A vague title including two seemingly dissonant factions  -  the first: real, rugged, and the largest demographic of Ford truck owners; the other: a fevered, often violating, pubescent dream of kids who enjoy math. What’s not to like? Everyone gets equal service, the same, equal, awful service.  I’m a big fan of Favreau and the way his name rolls off my tongue, but I have a feeling he has pushed the limits of how much alcohol I need to consume to enjoy his movies. Iron Man 1, I could enjoy sober. Iron Man 2, I needed a couple gin shots with brewsky chasers. Cowboys and Aliens, I shotgunned a pint of absynthe and spent the last half of the movie blind and having a conversation with the Planters Peanuts guy. To enjoy Favreau’s next movie I’ll have to inject Everclear directly into my veins and spend the next five years in a coma. I'm coming home Mr. Peanut!

With such an all-star cast, how did it all go so horribly wrong? Fresh off of her Italian holiday, is there a hotter starlet than Olivia Wilde? After his complicity in the rape of Indiana Jones, was there anyone we wanted to see redeemed more than Harrison Ford? Since he is my idol, is there anyone on Earth we would rather be than Daniel Craig? I don’t know the answer to the first two questions, but the last one is a resounding “NO!” In addition to hot abs,  Daniel Craig has brought a conflicted, complex, and nuanced approach to his roles as good and bad characters alike in movies like Casino Royale and Layer Cake. He just simmers in every role, ready to burn anyone foolish enough to get too close. Nobody is a bigger fan than me. I wonder what he smells like? Plus, he recently married Rachel Weisz – my total Hollywood dream babe! OMG! It’s like me and Daniel are living the dream, together, as one! I want to live inside of him and wear his skin and walk around in it and make love to his beautiful wife in it. We are like one entity, me and DC. Nobody can keep us apart... NOBODY!

Anyway, why do aliens always get right up in people’s faces and scream? That’s stupid. If I’m an alien and I’ve traveled billions of star-miles to get to Earth and when I finally get close to a human all I can think of is to get right in his face and scream some unintelligible shit? I don’t think so. What in the hell were those alien’s doing for all the star-years it took to get here? I don’t drive to work without thinking about what I’m going to say at my morning meeting. I don't just show up and start screaming in my secretary’s face. If I were traveling to an alien planet and I had many star-years to get there, I would totally think of something really awesome and witty to say. Although, I’ll bet that when I got to the alien planet I’d watch one of their movies and it would be about some idiot human screaming in an alien’s face. I guess that’s life . . . star-life. Zing!

Report Card: Ghosts of Mars

Schools in sucka!

Report Card: Ghosts of Mars

 Nice Job, Species.

Louis From Revenge of the Nerds: A++

Natasha Henstridge: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

Obviously Natasha Is Getting Older At This point, But It Doesn’t Matter, She’s Still Hot as Hell: B+

Ice Cube: C
 

Dude Cuts His Finger Off: A 

The Repetitive Guitar Riffs During All Action Scenes: D

• Remember that one minute in the 80s when John Carpenter’s music didn’t suck? He's still stuck in it.

Silver Plated SMGs: Extra Credit

• Obviously Cube just leveled up and needed to show off his new unlock. Preach. 

OVERALL GRADE: Shit.

Reasons To Try Heroin Instead of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

While suffering through the ultimate, triple-stacked, six-foot-long shit sandwich that is Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I began to contemplate all of the things you should do with your time that would be more enjoyable or more rewarding instead of watching this movie.

By watching this movie is you are only confirming what some douchey marketing guy thinks about movies, and thus, only encourages similarly shitty movies. By doing so, you are degrading our culture at large, you are sullying our shared experience on this Earth and distorting perceptions of us by future generations. Do you want people to look back and examine us in 500 years and think we were a wretched lot of incredibly vapid and soulless dogshits? No, I think you are better than that and we have much more to offer posterity. So, if instead of watching this movie you were out say, I dunno, scoring some heroin, our future civilization will at least think that at least you had a soul, as misguided and tortured as it may be.

Ultimately, this film movie is an utterly joyless voyage through our collective self hate. It lacks any indication of a creative spark that would indicate it was conceived by a human who cared for other humans. This film is the superficial covering for the void at the center of your hollow existence, the hole that you hate and dress-up to conceal it's existence - but, we all know.

Now, instead of barricading the void of your self-hate to overtly prove that you are still human, you should consider doing some H. I guarantee you will have a much more enjoyable time. Melting away your fake exterior with a molten hot drug induced trip of indulgent self-enjoyment can only do wonders for you. This could be really good for you and really get you around that corner from living as the lifeless, soulless, wheat planted and raised by corporations to be reaped for their own profit to having a shred of original personality. You may like the feeling and you may like your new self.

So, I get it, you thought the movie was "good." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. You want to die. You are the void. No problem. But, all I'm saying is that instead of continuing down this path, why not do some heroin instead? Shake things up. All things considered, I think it's the right choice.