I was right about the qualifications.
Typically when a movie starts using all kinds of technical jargon, numbers and other complex stuff I tune out. You're definitely not going to win me over with your high-brow, CV building, investigation into why you are so much smarter than me. You want cred on the mean streets of academia, you can't get it at my expense. On top of all that, combining smart words, complex ideas, and the voice of Matt Damon should be three-strikes-you're-out, but I guess that last one is more of a foul ball. I'd love to hate Matt Damon, but that would be so hip that it's played out. Hating Matt Damon is like loving the faux hawk, it was fun for a minute, but it's time to move on. Affleck too. We all took a swing at that piñata, spilled its guts and ate up every joke that came out, but the party is over and you're starting to look greedy stuffing your face like that. Anyway, I didn't mind Matt Damon's voice because if I just pictured his performance in The Informant! I was quite entertained. In fact, I don't know if I will ever be able to view Matt Damon as any other character. I spent the last 30 minutes of The Green Zone trying to figure out why Iraqis would want to kidnap Mark Whitacre. So goes the stocks of Hollywood's volatile public opinion market . . . did you see what just happened there? Stocks? I'm a genius!
What the movie did do well is impart onto to me a crushing feeling of helplessness. The financial world is truly that, a whole other mystical, magical world complete with hobbits (you) and oppressive Dark Overlords (Wall Street). Unfortunately, the people in this movie aren't some fictional characters that go away when you shut your eyes—these guys are the real life Saurons, Darth Vaders (really should be The Emperor, but I didn't have enough faith that you would get it), Voldemorts, Godzillas, Freddy Kruegers, and the ginger from Bio Dome (and Real Genius, what a notorious prick!). These guys are real and there is no stopping them. These guys are weapons of mass destruction, except they only explode on poor people. They are the reasons to not have children (or abandon them if you already have them). They are the reasons to become Mormon. They are the reasons to invest in shotguns and canned goods and join the least racist mid-western anti-government group you can find. And these are the guys that moved from destroying the economy to legislating it by become advisers and appointees of the President. These guys are more vile and harmful than pedophiles, except they've found a way to operate in broad daylight.
Oh, and by the way, Alan Greenspan is an asshole.
Damn, so that's it, right? Game over, man. Game over.
Not so fast! The movie finishes with a shot of the Statue of Liberty on a beautiful, clear blue day with Matt Damon's compassionate and fatherly voice reminding us that some things are worth fighting for. Yeah, nice job team, you really turned the whole shit-show around. Instead of wondering what a self-induced coma feels like, I am filled with a renewed sense of vigor and patriotism to fight and take back my country from the oppressive Dark Overlords . . . ha ha! Psych! Totally gotcha! You should have seen the look on you're face, you were all proud and filled with hope. That's awesome. What was that like? Oh well, sucka! Time to get back to polishing shackles for the next meltdown.
Word on the street is that Leprechaun had his whole pot of gold tied up in Lehman Brothers - now he's fucking pissed!
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