Laser Technologies Most Likely to Destroy the World

School Photos

The problem with lasers as a background for a photo isn’t so much scientific as it is social. Since you can never be sexier than a laser, lasers are an ugly chick’s hot friend.  Though the ugly chick might think that being near her hot friend will increase her hotness by association, in fact it just throws into sharp relief her own shortcomings.  To be clear, in this scenario we are ALL the ugly chick.  Unless we can all make better laser decisions (deciding whether lasers are right for you is like deciding whether spandex shorts are right for you: they’re not), lasers could very well lead to the end of human kind…not through any sort of mass-destruction, but simply by slowly eroding all interest in sexual intercourse. 

Laser Eye Surgery

Speaking of sexual Intercourse, how can we pick an adequate mate with which to procreate, and nobly do our part for the continued existence of the human race, with all this trickery!  Laser eye surgery is just as misleading as plastic surgery, but so much more dangerous (your offspring is not likely to die a slow painful death in the wilderness due to a crooked nose or saggy jowls, but when they run out of berries and starve because they inherited your blindness - you'll be able to see their cold, dead body with 20/20 vision).

Beyond the obvious inability to identify poisonous roots and significant flaws in potential mates, the end of eye-glasses raises other alarming concerns:  how will the social strata of elementary schools be determined?  How will you know who to cheat off of in high-school?  And most importantly,  what will become of the sexy librarians?

Expert Tip: Laser eye surgery does not actually give you lasers that shoot out of your eyes.

Laser Light Shows

Having spent the better part of a century developing an understanding of the laser, it was no surprise that this question arose:  how can one’s ultimate mastery over something be exploited to the best advantage?  Simple, you make it dance. 

This method has been in use for centuries (most notably with bears and slave-girls), and is entirely flawed.  "Here, I’ve vanquished and tamed this vicious bear, and have decided to put all my energy and resources into teaching him the Macarena.  Not only will his vast potential as a killing machine be lost to the rhythm divine, but all my enemies shall become aware of his trainability and my own inability to harness it effectively!". 

Somewhere out there, alien beings are snickering at the displays of laser "prowess" we splash across the night sky.  They will enjoy our infantile attempts for a while, perhaps with an air of parental amusement and tolerance.  But one day… one day they will grow bored of us and, knowing the extent of our laser technology to extend little beyond a carefully timed Pink Floyd production, they will crush us.

If you don't take lasers seriously, they will take you. Seriously.