Reasons To Try Heroin Instead of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

While suffering through the ultimate, triple-stacked, six-foot-long shit sandwich that is Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I began to contemplate all of the things you should do with your time that would be more enjoyable or more rewarding instead of watching this movie.

By watching this movie is you are only confirming what some douchey marketing guy thinks about movies, and thus, only encourages similarly shitty movies. By doing so, you are degrading our culture at large, you are sullying our shared experience on this Earth and distorting perceptions of us by future generations. Do you want people to look back and examine us in 500 years and think we were a wretched lot of incredibly vapid and soulless dogshits? No, I think you are better than that and we have much more to offer posterity. So, if instead of watching this movie you were out say, I dunno, scoring some heroin, our future civilization will at least think that at least you had a soul, as misguided and tortured as it may be.

Ultimately, this film movie is an utterly joyless voyage through our collective self hate. It lacks any indication of a creative spark that would indicate it was conceived by a human who cared for other humans. This film is the superficial covering for the void at the center of your hollow existence, the hole that you hate and dress-up to conceal it's existence - but, we all know.

Now, instead of barricading the void of your self-hate to overtly prove that you are still human, you should consider doing some H. I guarantee you will have a much more enjoyable time. Melting away your fake exterior with a molten hot drug induced trip of indulgent self-enjoyment can only do wonders for you. This could be really good for you and really get you around that corner from living as the lifeless, soulless, wheat planted and raised by corporations to be reaped for their own profit to having a shred of original personality. You may like the feeling and you may like your new self.

So, I get it, you thought the movie was "good." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. You want to die. You are the void. No problem. But, all I'm saying is that instead of continuing down this path, why not do some heroin instead? Shake things up. All things considered, I think it's the right choice.