Lasers are beautiful, and they cannot be taken away from me.

Evils will continue to marry and forge in sweaty chaos offspring with exponentially focused intent on the disruption of elegance and harmony. 
 
When the murky weirdness begins to apply suction to your tender, dangling humanity, repeat with a distillation of all emotions:

Lasers are beautiful, and they cannot be taken away from me.

Lasers will help you feel something again.

Lasers Will Replace Everything You Love and Make You Love Them More.

As lasers are the future, they will one day replace many common items and activities with only the burning hot majesty that they can provide. So say goodbye to the things on this list and say hello to lasers:

Toys in Cereal Boxes
 

Mowing Dad's Lawn
 

Sky Writing "Happy Birthday Lisa"

Umbrellas (A tight web of lasers will evaporate water before it hits you and also create a soothing, warm mist that is good for your skin)

Garbage Cans (Lasers will leave behind a calming, sage scented residue)

Flowers (Imagine a bouquet of lasers shining at your uncle's funeral, he would be proud)

Adding Grill Marks to Meat (You eat with your eyes! So it's like laser eye surgery)

Teeth  (Lasers do all the work, it just slides right down)

Bug Repellent (Tired of that stinky, greasy, oily feeling on your skin? Lasers feel light and fresh)

Currency (It's another word for money)

Bait for Criminals (Sting operation! What crook doesn't want to get their hands on a laser?)

Wrist Watches (Wrist watches have been on the decline now that everyone has cell phones, but what could bring the wrist watch back from the brink? Lasers.)

Super Bowl Half-Time Shows (A recent study of Super Bowl Half-Time shows clearly demonstrates that since the beginning of football, in 1910, lasers have made major inroads into the extravagant performances at their half-times. The study shows an increase in the use of lasers from 0% in 1910 to 81% in 2011. At this rate it is only a matter of time before lasers entirely replace their more human and inferior entertainment counterparts.)

Paintings (Hanging static pictures of stuff on your walls will be passé, soon to be replaced by the ever-changing, glittering majesty of lasers.)

Itchy Scabs (God, I hate itchy scabs. Just hit 'em with a laser, zap! They're back to an open sore. No more itchies. Thanks lasers!)

Cat Removal (Cats can really build up in unregulated areas. Cat's are also really wily and agile and able to hide in really small places, so they are really, really hard to remove . . . except with lasers.)

Laser Technologies Most Likely to Destroy the World

School Photos

The problem with lasers as a background for a photo isn’t so much scientific as it is social. Since you can never be sexier than a laser, lasers are an ugly chick’s hot friend.  Though the ugly chick might think that being near her hot friend will increase her hotness by association, in fact it just throws into sharp relief her own shortcomings.  To be clear, in this scenario we are ALL the ugly chick.  Unless we can all make better laser decisions (deciding whether lasers are right for you is like deciding whether spandex shorts are right for you: they’re not), lasers could very well lead to the end of human kind…not through any sort of mass-destruction, but simply by slowly eroding all interest in sexual intercourse. 

Laser Eye Surgery

Speaking of sexual Intercourse, how can we pick an adequate mate with which to procreate, and nobly do our part for the continued existence of the human race, with all this trickery!  Laser eye surgery is just as misleading as plastic surgery, but so much more dangerous (your offspring is not likely to die a slow painful death in the wilderness due to a crooked nose or saggy jowls, but when they run out of berries and starve because they inherited your blindness - you'll be able to see their cold, dead body with 20/20 vision).

Beyond the obvious inability to identify poisonous roots and significant flaws in potential mates, the end of eye-glasses raises other alarming concerns:  how will the social strata of elementary schools be determined?  How will you know who to cheat off of in high-school?  And most importantly,  what will become of the sexy librarians?

Expert Tip: Laser eye surgery does not actually give you lasers that shoot out of your eyes.

Laser Light Shows

Having spent the better part of a century developing an understanding of the laser, it was no surprise that this question arose:  how can one’s ultimate mastery over something be exploited to the best advantage?  Simple, you make it dance. 

This method has been in use for centuries (most notably with bears and slave-girls), and is entirely flawed.  "Here, I’ve vanquished and tamed this vicious bear, and have decided to put all my energy and resources into teaching him the Macarena.  Not only will his vast potential as a killing machine be lost to the rhythm divine, but all my enemies shall become aware of his trainability and my own inability to harness it effectively!". 

Somewhere out there, alien beings are snickering at the displays of laser "prowess" we splash across the night sky.  They will enjoy our infantile attempts for a while, perhaps with an air of parental amusement and tolerance.  But one day… one day they will grow bored of us and, knowing the extent of our laser technology to extend little beyond a carefully timed Pink Floyd production, they will crush us.

If you don't take lasers seriously, they will take you. Seriously.

The Future Needs More Lasers

The 2011 International Conference on Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering is coming up soon so I would like to kick-off this month with our annual lobbying effort to convince conference attendees that the future, indeed, needs many, many more lasers. 


In order to bring awareness to our campaign, I would like to announce that this March is Laser March. Help celebrate and raise awareness about the future and lasers, together, forever, fiesta.

Contact your local mechanical or aerospace engineer and tell them that The Future Needs More Lasers.