Nailed It, Or Got Nailed? A Humbling Porn Experience

I thought I really nailed it with Farmer Porn. As it turns out, Farmer Porn nailed me.

Far and away the most popular post I've written for this blog is The Best of Farmer Porn. It has twice as many views as the next highest post and it is often searched for by name. Naturally, I assumed that this is because I stumbled on to something powerful that resonates with a large and diverse group of people; an expression of comedy that tapped into the collective funny bone of the world and said: "goochy goochy goo."

I studied this post to try and decipher what made it so appealing. I thought that if I figured out exactly what it was that  made this post so special I could do it again and again. All I want is to make you laugh, and I felt the key to your chuckle lock was somewhere in that post. Was it the simple and clear structure of a list? The Twitter roll-out? The funny pic? The farmer? The porn?

It was the porn.

I entered "farmer porn" into my search engine and guess what popped up? Sure, my post was there, but it was nearly buried under a mound of filthy farmer porn. REAL farmer porn. That's right, farmer porn is a real thing that real people are into. It's a niche porn sub-genre for people who just can't get off without getting a farmer involved. Weird? I guess I'm not really in a position to judge.

I estimate that three-fourths of the people directed to my post through searching for the phrase "farmer porn" arrived with a bottle of hand lotion, an old sock, and a look of confused disappointment on their face. Imagine having your choke rope all ready to go and a whole 45 minutes before the kids get home from school; you avidly hunt for the premium farmer porn that will take your masturbation to the next level; you click new, fresh links and you're filled with a rush of excitement at the prospect of discovering new and untapped porn mines; and just when you think you found the best of what the net has to offer, you end up on some confusing and pretentious blog about who-gives-a-crap. I hate to be a disappointment in any circumstance, but in this case I really feel like I led you on. I'm sorry.

So, I'm not quite as funny or catchy as I thought I was. I didn't stumble on to some formula for success or comedy goldmine. Truly, a humbling experience. What I did stumble onto was an obscure, niche specialty porn that, by its existence, eclipses anything funny I had to say about the subject. I made up what I thought was a ridiculous idea, but reality beat me to the punch. What this proves again is that fiction simply cannot compete with reality when it comes to the absurd. 

Perhaps the take-away experience from this is that if you want to grab people's attention you need to write about what they truly care about: porn.

Hopefully this will help get you to where you need to go:

The Best of Farmer Porn

20 reasons not to follow PopNothingIdiot on Twitter:

Best of #FarmerPorn on Twitter

1. The cock gets me up every morning.
2. I'm gonna plow that field and spread my seed all over it.
3. I'm gonna pump that butter churn 'till it's nice and creamy. Just the way grandma likes it.
4. I'm gonna strap a saddle on that filthy beast and ride it until it's sweaty.
5. This was a great year for nuts.
6. Let's just see where this bucket of coleslaw takes us . . .
7. I wanna shuck your corn so hard.
8. You know what's better than nailing a fence? Nothing. I could pound it all day. 
9. It's not about the length of the zucchini, it's about the girth.
10. When you're milking a cow and halfway through you spray the milk all over your face.
11. Would you like me to drop this load off in the front . . . or in the rear?
12. I want you to find the hole, dig it out, and plant your seed.
13. Those melons are ripe for the pickun'
14. I got a tractor out back . . .
15. I drink my milk straight from the teet.
16. My land is spread wide and I keep it wet, real wet.
17. I gonna fill up your silo . . . with grain.
18. I love them hoes. 
19. E-I-E-I-Ooooooh.
20. I'm about to stick my whole arm up this cow's ass.