5 Hot New Trends in Gum!

When did gum become a luxury item? Especially when it is available for free under any table. Of course, that is the power of marketing. We've been convinced that some indestructible, chewy compound that rids our breath of fish taco stench is worthy of its own designer, leather pouch. And think of all that wasted packaging. Gum doesn't need to be individually wrapped in paper, tucked away in its little tri-folding pouch, then hermetically sealed in plastic to ensure that a substance that will outlast Twinkies stays fresh. It's not that I care about the Earth. Fuck the Earth. I'm sorry, but you environmentalists have nobody to blame but yourselves. I used to be one. I know. I get that we all have to do our part, but do you have any idea how inconvenient that is? And whatever you can manage to do, it's never good enough. It's like a game of one-ups to see who is the greenest and you can't "win" until you are riding a bicycle made of bamboo, recycling your own urine, using your own body oils as a means of hairstyling, and subsisting entirely on a diet  of organic, fair-trade tree bark. If you use plastic bags, you're a monster. If you recycle your plastic bags by washing them out and using them again, you're still a monster. If you dig other people's used plastic bags out of the trash and use them, you're less of a monster, but still a monster. The "true" environmentalist would dig used plastic bags out of his neighbor's trash and fucking eat them to break them down internally and absorb the pollution into his body. Though, in a way, this example makes perfect sense in that the only real way to save the Earth is to kill yourself. So, enviros, it's time to answer the call and make the ultimate sacrifice for Gaia.

Here are the 5 hot new trends in gum:

1. Tiny gum for your tiny dog. (favorite flavor: Dog Butthole)
2. Gum made of crushed up diamonds and the bones of Africans. (favorite flavor: Sadness)
3. Gum infused with the tears of porpoise and blessed by a Yogi. (favorite flavor: Gwyneth Paltrow)
4. Single-malt gum aged for 20 years in American white oak barrels. (favorite flavor: Midlife Crisis)
5. Gum that has been pre-chewed by Ben Affleck so that it loses all its flavor. (favorite flavor: J-Lo)