Transformers: Dark of the Moon BEST Review EVER

This summers biggest movie finally came, and came again, and again. Michael Bay once again proves that he has three cocks and is truly a one-man gang-bang. Everyone knows what he is all about, his "deal." MB likes it rough, fast paced, all over the place, and above all - big, wait, no - HUGE. You know when you enter that dark, cavernous room with a Michal Bay film that you will be walking out with a limp and an extra large popcorn bucket full of shame. However, Transformers: Dark of the Moon has found new ways to penetrate into the hearts and minds of movie goers - Michael Bay has found the cinematic equivalent of the "4 hole." Bravo.

Let me explain.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon begins surprisingly nice. It's cordial, Shia LaBeouf's foibles are oddly endearing and funny. As the characters begin to develop, we want to know more about who they are and what they are really like. We feel bad for judging the movie so harshly before it even had a chance to explain itself. "This time is different" we say. "He's really changed. Taken on board the stuff we talked about and really changed." We open up and we begin to trust. We begin to feel again.

Then new characters start to be added a little haphazardly, and it's like "whoa," but it's OK, he knows what he is doing.

Then the action starts to pick up a little and a giant mechanical snake appears. OK. That's interesting, I wonder where this is going?

Then the explosions start happening and fights start to break out, robots start betraying robots, and a space shuttle explodes. It's starting to get a little rough, and we're getting a little uncomfortable. "Slow down, Michael Bay. This is getting out of control."

But he doesn't listen, he just get's crazier, starts pounding more. The action gets faster, bigger and more intense every scene. Plot lines start interweaving, old characters come back to fight once more, the explosions get bigger, the special effects get more expensive, the mechanical snake is eating fucking buildings, up is down, down is up, and you realize . . .

NO, MICHAEL BAY! NO!  YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL!

It's like a date gone horribly wrong. He acted so sweet and we wanted to give him another chance, but the next thing we knew he was having choke sex with us and riding us like a rented mule. Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the movie equivalent of an abusive relationship. Why do we keep coming back?


Transfomers: Dark of the Moon was not our fault. Say it. Out loud.