Top 20 Things to Say to Get the Job of Your DREAMS!

The economy is in the shitter. Unemployment is at an all-time high. Double-dip recession. Soaring energy prices. Debt ceiling. Illegal immigration. The Chinese. Dogs and cats living together. WE'RE ALL FUCKED! The world economy is teetering on the brink of collapse and what you need is that last top-tier corporate job to rape the masses for your fortune, buy your way on to some millionaires’ club private island fully stocked to last through the apocalypse, give the economy that last kick-in-the-ass it needs to send it into complete meltdown, live in luxury while the masses destroy themselves, then finally reemerge a decade later to populate the earth with your seed. Go on, you deserve it. 

But how, you ask?

Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret, in the corporate world accomplishments, experience, and resumes don’t mean shit. If you want to break into the corporate world all you need is two things: confidence and a bone breaking handshake. The handshake is easy, you just need to build up you hand crushing muscles. Just get some of those grippy, springy things and unleash your burning disdain for all humans into every squeeze . . . 8 hours a day. Next time you grab another person’s hand, be the first to merciless crush the shit out of it. They will hate you, but they will respect you.

The second part is a littler harder to teach because people are so weak. The bottom line is you gotta have big swingin' balls, and if you’re a woman, you gotta have even bigger swingin' balls. You think you’ll wait for an interview? Wrong. You want in, you make your own interview. You barge your way in to the boss’s inner chamber and fight whoever gets in your way. And when you finally arrive, don’t you dare put down a resume. You really think some piece of paper is going to do it? Wrong. You think you can walk right up to an untamed wolf with a piece of paper that says: "don't eat me"? Wrong again. Fail. You're dead, again. In this, the moment of truth, you only have one chance. You have to lock eyes with the boss and stare that motherfucker down until he respects your power. If there is any doubt in your heart, mind, or soul he will see it and immediately pounce on your weakness.

Now that you've established your power he must either fight you or listen to what you have to say. If he does permit you to speak within his chamber the only thing that matters is that you speak confidently. Shoot from the hip. Don't pussy out. Never say "please" or "thank you." Remember, confidence means saying whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it - and that's a God given right.

I'll tell you how I got my top-tier corporate job. After I broke his secretary's nose and stared that 8 foot tall son of bitch right back down into his seat I crumpled up my resume and threw it at his face. "Open it up," I said. He looked at the paper. 

"Ten thousand dollars? What the fuck does this mean?"

"That's how much you'll lose every day if you don't hire me."

And he did. Hired. See you on the island. 

That's how it's done, but for all of you who still need some help, here are the Top 20 Things to Say to Get the Job of Your DREAMS!:

1. You need me more than I need you.
2. I have so much talent you can waste.
3. I won't sleep with the interns . . . unless you ask me to.
4. I REALLY don't want to go back to prison.
5. I have a treasure map tattooed on my back and the only way you will see it is if I'm naked and employed.
6. Hire me if you want to take casual Fridays to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.
7. You need someone to put Debbie back in her place – and I'm the one to do it.
8. I want to eat your food in the break room while you are not around.
9. I finally understand what you mean when you say you "frown upon" drinking at work.
10. You can get a lot worse than spit in your coffee . . . just sayin'. It could be a lot worse.
11. I want to tell you about my adventures in bird watching and show you pictures of my grandkids for 6 hours.
12. I'll give you one of my two tickets to paradise. Pack your bags we leave tonight.
13. I have most of my fingers, ALL of my toes, and usually don't have this rash. You'll get used to the smell.
14. I have a scepter of +1 ass kissing and an amulet of free refills at Starbucks. Looks like you could use a refill on your weak-ass THACO. Mithril, son. Mithril.
15. Hire me and you won't regret it. Fair warning though, I get gassy after lunch. You may regret it from 1pm to 2:30pm.
16. I have wild mood swings, freak out in elevators, can't eat solid food, and may have narcolepsy. You'll get karma +1.
17. We can hang out all the time, at lunch, after work. I'll get you up in the morning. I just want to watch you breath.
18. This will not be the worst thing I've done in exchange for money . . . <shudder with horror>
19. Hire me and I will bring a piñata filled refreshing horchata to work every day. Make it rain!
20. Hire me because gambling with office petty cash is much more exciting than gambling with my own.