Lasers Will Replace Everything You Love and Make You Love Them More.

As lasers are the future, they will one day replace many common items and activities with only the burning hot majesty that they can provide. So say goodbye to the things on this list and say hello to lasers:

Toys in Cereal Boxes
 

Mowing Dad's Lawn
 

Sky Writing "Happy Birthday Lisa"

Umbrellas (A tight web of lasers will evaporate water before it hits you and also create a soothing, warm mist that is good for your skin)

Garbage Cans (Lasers will leave behind a calming, sage scented residue)

Flowers (Imagine a bouquet of lasers shining at your uncle's funeral, he would be proud)

Adding Grill Marks to Meat (You eat with your eyes! So it's like laser eye surgery)

Teeth  (Lasers do all the work, it just slides right down)

Bug Repellent (Tired of that stinky, greasy, oily feeling on your skin? Lasers feel light and fresh)

Currency (It's another word for money)

Bait for Criminals (Sting operation! What crook doesn't want to get their hands on a laser?)

Wrist Watches (Wrist watches have been on the decline now that everyone has cell phones, but what could bring the wrist watch back from the brink? Lasers.)

Super Bowl Half-Time Shows (A recent study of Super Bowl Half-Time shows clearly demonstrates that since the beginning of football, in 1910, lasers have made major inroads into the extravagant performances at their half-times. The study shows an increase in the use of lasers from 0% in 1910 to 81% in 2011. At this rate it is only a matter of time before lasers entirely replace their more human and inferior entertainment counterparts.)

Paintings (Hanging static pictures of stuff on your walls will be passé, soon to be replaced by the ever-changing, glittering majesty of lasers.)

Itchy Scabs (God, I hate itchy scabs. Just hit 'em with a laser, zap! They're back to an open sore. No more itchies. Thanks lasers!)

Cat Removal (Cats can really build up in unregulated areas. Cat's are also really wily and agile and able to hide in really small places, so they are really, really hard to remove . . . except with lasers.)

Laser Technologies Most Likely to Destroy the World

School Photos

The problem with lasers as a background for a photo isn’t so much scientific as it is social. Since you can never be sexier than a laser, lasers are an ugly chick’s hot friend.  Though the ugly chick might think that being near her hot friend will increase her hotness by association, in fact it just throws into sharp relief her own shortcomings.  To be clear, in this scenario we are ALL the ugly chick.  Unless we can all make better laser decisions (deciding whether lasers are right for you is like deciding whether spandex shorts are right for you: they’re not), lasers could very well lead to the end of human kind…not through any sort of mass-destruction, but simply by slowly eroding all interest in sexual intercourse. 

Laser Eye Surgery

Speaking of sexual Intercourse, how can we pick an adequate mate with which to procreate, and nobly do our part for the continued existence of the human race, with all this trickery!  Laser eye surgery is just as misleading as plastic surgery, but so much more dangerous (your offspring is not likely to die a slow painful death in the wilderness due to a crooked nose or saggy jowls, but when they run out of berries and starve because they inherited your blindness - you'll be able to see their cold, dead body with 20/20 vision).

Beyond the obvious inability to identify poisonous roots and significant flaws in potential mates, the end of eye-glasses raises other alarming concerns:  how will the social strata of elementary schools be determined?  How will you know who to cheat off of in high-school?  And most importantly,  what will become of the sexy librarians?

Expert Tip: Laser eye surgery does not actually give you lasers that shoot out of your eyes.

Laser Light Shows

Having spent the better part of a century developing an understanding of the laser, it was no surprise that this question arose:  how can one’s ultimate mastery over something be exploited to the best advantage?  Simple, you make it dance. 

This method has been in use for centuries (most notably with bears and slave-girls), and is entirely flawed.  "Here, I’ve vanquished and tamed this vicious bear, and have decided to put all my energy and resources into teaching him the Macarena.  Not only will his vast potential as a killing machine be lost to the rhythm divine, but all my enemies shall become aware of his trainability and my own inability to harness it effectively!". 

Somewhere out there, alien beings are snickering at the displays of laser "prowess" we splash across the night sky.  They will enjoy our infantile attempts for a while, perhaps with an air of parental amusement and tolerance.  But one day… one day they will grow bored of us and, knowing the extent of our laser technology to extend little beyond a carefully timed Pink Floyd production, they will crush us.

If you don't take lasers seriously, they will take you. Seriously.

The Future Needs More Lasers

The 2011 International Conference on Mechanical and Aerospace Engineering is coming up soon so I would like to kick-off this month with our annual lobbying effort to convince conference attendees that the future, indeed, needs many, many more lasers. 


In order to bring awareness to our campaign, I would like to announce that this March is Laser March. Help celebrate and raise awareness about the future and lasers, together, forever, fiesta.

Contact your local mechanical or aerospace engineer and tell them that The Future Needs More Lasers.

Report Card: Ghosts of Mars

Schools in sucka!

Report Card: Ghosts of Mars

 Nice Job, Species.

Louis From Revenge of the Nerds: A++

Natasha Henstridge: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

Obviously Natasha Is Getting Older At This point, But It Doesn’t Matter, She’s Still Hot as Hell: B+

Ice Cube: C
 

Dude Cuts His Finger Off: A 

The Repetitive Guitar Riffs During All Action Scenes: D

• Remember that one minute in the 80s when John Carpenter’s music didn’t suck? He's still stuck in it.

Silver Plated SMGs: Extra Credit

• Obviously Cube just leveled up and needed to show off his new unlock. Preach. 

OVERALL GRADE: Shit.

Bernanke's Rebuttal

A chat with FED chairman B. B. Balls:

A: "Hey, Bernanke, why don't you shave that beard. It makes your face look like a vagina."

B: "It's well groomed, distinguished."

A: "You're not fooling us by looking slightly different from every other square jowl on Wall Street. Nice try, but it's pretty easy to see the asshole behind that vagina."

B: "What asshole?"

A: "The very asshole who soiled the American people with lies, declaring there was no foreseeable economic crisis before 2008. Wrong he was, but did he admit it? NO, because assholes are solely shit conduits -- yes, shit conduits -- and will do quite well to continue shitting, until people who normally don't give a damn, start giving lots of damns."

B: "Listen you long-winded plebeian, I don't know what they taught you in public school, but if you knew how complex it really was, you wouldn't be sitting here squawking at me. You'd be out there exploiting derivatives and supporting deregulation, like all the other Sachs' and Lehmans. Earth to McFly, nobody understands how money works. We can do whatever we want!"

A: "You . . ."

B: "What was that?"

A: "Hiding behind the supposed complexity doesn't last forever. What do you think your great-grandchildren will think of you?"

B: "They'll be rich, gloating over subjects like you just the same. That's legacy."

A: "Touché, douche."


This concludes our chat with B.B. Balls



If I wanted to hear exactly what the cunt of a pig sounded like flapping in the wind . . . Nancy Grace.

Why You Should Watch Inside Job

When I saw the marquee for this film, I assumed I didn't have the qualifications since the only jobs I am qualified for require me to wear overalls—but I entered anyway.


I was right about the qualifications.


Typically when a movie starts using all kinds of technical jargon, numbers and other complex stuff  I tune out. You're definitely not going to win me over with your high-brow, CV building, investigation into why you are so much smarter than me. You want cred on the mean streets of academia,  you can't get it at my expense. On top of all that, combining smart words, complex ideas, and the voice of Matt Damon should be three-strikes-you're-out, but I guess that last one is more of a foul ball. I'd love to hate Matt Damon, but that would be so hip that it's played out. Hating Matt Damon is like loving the faux hawk, it was fun for a minute, but it's time to move on. Affleck too. We all took a swing at that piñata, spilled its guts and ate up every joke that came out, but the party is over and you're starting to look greedy stuffing your face like that. Anyway, I didn't mind Matt Damon's voice because if I just pictured his performance in The Informant! I was quite entertained. In fact, I don't know if I will ever be able to view Matt Damon as any other character. I spent the last 30 minutes of The Green Zone trying to figure out why  Iraqis would want to kidnap Mark Whitacre. So goes the stocks of Hollywood's volatile public opinion market . . . did you see what just happened there? Stocks? I'm a genius!


What the movie did do well is impart onto to me a crushing feeling of helplessness. The financial world is truly that, a whole other mystical, magical world complete with hobbits (you) and oppressive Dark Overlords (Wall Street). Unfortunately, the people in this movie aren't some fictional characters that go away when you shut your eyes—these guys are the real life Saurons, Darth Vaders (really should be The Emperor, but I didn't have enough faith that you would get it), Voldemorts, Godzillas, Freddy Kruegers, and the ginger from Bio Dome (and Real Genius, what a notorious prick!). These guys are real and there is no stopping them. These guys are weapons of mass destruction, except they only explode on poor people. They are the reasons to not have children (or abandon them if you already have them). They are the reasons to become Mormon. They are the reasons to invest in shotguns and canned goods and join the least racist mid-western anti-government group you can find. And these are the guys that moved from destroying the economy to legislating it by become advisers and appointees of the President. These guys are more vile and harmful than pedophiles, except they've found a way to operate in broad daylight.


Oh, and by the way, Alan Greenspan is an asshole.


Damn, so that's it, right? Game over, man. Game over.


Not so fast! The movie finishes with a shot of the Statue of Liberty on a beautiful, clear blue day with Matt Damon's compassionate and fatherly voice reminding us that some things are worth fighting for. Yeah, nice job team, you really turned the whole shit-show around. Instead of wondering what a self-induced coma feels like, I am filled with a renewed sense of vigor and patriotism to fight and take back my country from the oppressive Dark Overlords . . . ha ha! Psych! Totally gotcha! You should have seen the look on you're face, you were all proud and filled with hope. That's awesome. What was that like? Oh well, sucka! Time to get back to polishing shackles for the next meltdown.

Word on the street is that Leprechaun had his whole pot of gold tied up in Lehman Brothers - now he's fucking pissed!

Fashion!

I'm going to be honest and say that I always thought fashion was absolutely ridiculous. Looking at those batshit crazy designs, all I can think of is who would ever wear that? Why don't they just wear jeans and a hoody? So much of that stuff couldn't possibly be intended for real humans, but now I realize that that's the fun of it. It's like designing a fantasy land. Right now, some fashion designer is creating a new collection and asking him/herself, "what if Smurfette was tripping balls on K and accidentally found Flynn's digitizing "Tron" lazer and pointed it at the sun? Instead of basting ourselves in glorious, warm sun rays, we would be pelted with pixelated heads that look like Jeff Bridges. What would that world be like?" I have no doubt it would be pretty crazy. Looking around at some collections was like being transported to an entirely foreign world - sometimes weird and creepy, sometimes beautiful. I started to see it as quite creative and imaginative stuff once I made it over the hurdle of judging everything practicality.

Thanks to The Jamster for helping me broaden my horizons and helping me with this sketch. Hopefully, this will make up for all the times I openly scorned, without any shame or remorse, anyone who had anything to do with fashion. This is my heavy handed attempt at doing something "fashion-y." This is an interplanetary ambassador in the year 2245 (sorry Mayans, your attempts to destroy the earth will fail).