Merry Xmas

Reasons To Try Heroin Instead of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader

While suffering through the ultimate, triple-stacked, six-foot-long shit sandwich that is Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I began to contemplate all of the things you should do with your time that would be more enjoyable or more rewarding instead of watching this movie.

By watching this movie is you are only confirming what some douchey marketing guy thinks about movies, and thus, only encourages similarly shitty movies. By doing so, you are degrading our culture at large, you are sullying our shared experience on this Earth and distorting perceptions of us by future generations. Do you want people to look back and examine us in 500 years and think we were a wretched lot of incredibly vapid and soulless dogshits? No, I think you are better than that and we have much more to offer posterity. So, if instead of watching this movie you were out say, I dunno, scoring some heroin, our future civilization will at least think that at least you had a soul, as misguided and tortured as it may be.

Ultimately, this film movie is an utterly joyless voyage through our collective self hate. It lacks any indication of a creative spark that would indicate it was conceived by a human who cared for other humans. This film is the superficial covering for the void at the center of your hollow existence, the hole that you hate and dress-up to conceal it's existence - but, we all know.

Now, instead of barricading the void of your self-hate to overtly prove that you are still human, you should consider doing some H. I guarantee you will have a much more enjoyable time. Melting away your fake exterior with a molten hot drug induced trip of indulgent self-enjoyment can only do wonders for you. This could be really good for you and really get you around that corner from living as the lifeless, soulless, wheat planted and raised by corporations to be reaped for their own profit to having a shred of original personality. You may like the feeling and you may like your new self.

So, I get it, you thought the movie was "good." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. You want to die. You are the void. No problem. But, all I'm saying is that instead of continuing down this path, why not do some heroin instead? Shake things up. All things considered, I think it's the right choice.

TRON!

New Tron is coming, and I am totally stoked. I went back and watched the original a couple of times and, not only did I enjoy it, but I think it still holds up. If you strip back the superficial details, I think a lot of the ideas and themes about technology are still relevant.  During some parts in the film I had that weird William Gibson feeling, like, "when was this made?!" Not quite as mind bending as old Gibby, but trippy nonetheless. I got a bit of a chill listening to programs talk about "users" while reading TorrentFreak.

BeeTeeDubs, Jeff Bridges is the fucking man. I am totally willing to watch the Cohen brothers log-jam another film just to go gay for Mr. Bridges - True Grit FTW.

In order to get fully psyched up for the midnight showing I've been listening to Daft Punk's Tron Legacy OST on repeat. It's shithouse mad. Whoever had the idea of giving Daft Punk a 32 piece orchestra needs to be fellated  for hours on end by an assortment of the finest acrobat hookers Hong Kong has to offer. Bravo sir. Prepare your brain cavity, because this shit will blow your mind.

I've also considered that I may be hyping myself up too much for this, as Hollywood has a tendency of taking my hopes, dreams, and childhood fantasies and raping them Kobe style. But, I am going to allow myself a rare moment of optimism. If it sucks I'll contemplate suicide. No big deal.

Trooooooooooooooon!!!!!!!

 "Hi, I'm Microsoft. Welcome to The Grid."

Korean Films For Someone Who Hasn't Seen Korean Films.

The problem with American films is that they are too conventional. The problem with foreign films is they are too unconventional. Of course, this is a insupportably  massive generalization, but it's catchy right? As the typical American film watcher you are likely predisposed to the conventions on which Hollywood based an insanely huge and profitable industry. Meanwhile, you probably think the foreign section of your video store is a homosexual meet-up spot offering free hand-jobs. Because foreign films are typically not expected to gross hundreds of millions of dollars and don't need to appeal to the lowest common denominator, they can break conventions more readily and do some really cool stuff. Granted, without the same weight of expectations and conventions as Hollywood productions, some of that foreign stuff does spin way out of control. Don't worry, I'll just force feed you the good stuff. While you wait for Will Smitth's (or the Spawn of Will Smith) next summer blockbuster it's easy to put on the blinders and believe that every foreign film features sex with old people and weeping clowns, but it's not true. There is some good stuff that even you, with your limited intellectual curiosity and predilection for Puritanical values, can appreciate. So, come with me now on a journey to the far-off land of Korea . . . no, not the "evil one," you racist.

1. City of Violence - This is a personal favorite of mine, I've seen it a bajillion times. Essentially, this is a film about childhood friends and the paths they take growing up - some use violence for good, some for bad, but ultimately the struggles and conflicts of life are boiled down to violent encounters with inevitably tragic resolutions. The beauty of this film is that it really pulses with the violent energy of it's namesake, but the violence is portrayed as difficult and painful - yet the characters fatalistically tumble down the spiral to the tragedy they know awaits.  The revelations of the film are structured perfectly so that the audience knows about the betrayal far in advance of the protagonist. Because of this, the audience knows the final conflict is inevitable, which really places the audience at the side of the protagonist's fatalistic journey. If the director had gone for a surprise reveal at the end, it really would have been a waste.

Think Trainspotting mixed with Stand By Me mixed with the martial arts of Enter the Dragon.  I think you can get down with this because the plot is simple enough, the theme of betrayal is powerful enough, and  action grabs the attention enough so that you won't be disappointed if you don't get anything else out of the film. It's funny, tragic, and awesomely awesome.

2. Crying Fist - My favorite boxing film. To be fair though, it's not a boxing film in the way that Rocky is, instead, this is about the redemption of a couple of miserable people . . . who also box. I have found the way many Korean films portray inner turmoil, conflict, and suffering to be very powerful and effective. This is an element that is so important for getting the audience invested in the characters, especially when they are despicable. I find a lot of American films really fuck this up and overly sensationalize, simplify, or generally retard this important part of film making (for a good example, see Affleck's The Town). Have you ever found yourself laughing at a film when the character is supposed to be at "rock bottom?" Well, you won't for this one because it really captures the loneliness and desperation of the two character's struggles in their youth and middle-age.

I think you can get down with this film because plot is focused enough, the themes of old vs young and family are clear enough, and people like to watch boxing no matter how shitty unrealistic it is. Reasons why you may not like this film are that it is not really carried by actions and some people really do everything they can to block out and avoid empathizing with someone else's suffering. You may ask why some parts drag on, why dudes are weeping, and why isn't anyone getting their face punched in slow motion.

3. Old Boy - Revenge. This is a very powerful and well-made film. It's a film that just simmers in the teapot letting out an irritating whine before exploding into a deafening scream. Quentin Tarantino <3 this film and you can see how it influenced his work. You like Tarantino right? Royale with cheese? Everyone fucking knows that one.

I think you can get down with this film because it is very powerful and tense; however, you may not have the patience to wait for this fruit to ripen. Also, you may have trouble figuring out exactly what is going on and then reconciling it with your church group ideals once you do. It may be a little too raw and savage for you . . .  tempted?

4. The Host - I thought I would hate this film . . . I didn't. It's a monster movie with a terrible looking CG monster, but it pulls it off beautifully. It 's a film where you don't really get to see the monster, which can make it even more frightening or appear obviously strained and eye-rollingingly stupid. Luckily, this film does it with style and uses the threat and mystery of the monster to heighten the tension. I really appreciated the way this film got me invested in the characters especially Park Gang-D, played with a masterful performance by Kang-ho Song (who is in almost every film I mention here). In many other monster movies the characters' personal conflicts seem trivial and ancillary to the danger of the monster and end up being more of a burden on a film. But, I really go pulled in by this film and even forgot at times that there was the threat of a weird-ass monster.

I think you can get down with this if you can appreciate Jaws; however, you might get hung up on the CG and you might be shallow enough to not invest in the characters - in which case you will not understand why the fuck they are going after a monster.

Honorable Mentions:

The Good, the Bad, the Weird - This was close to making the list. When I saw this film I thought it would be an incredible film if the director cut about 30 minutes off. While watching the extras I heard the director say that, in hindsight, he thought he should have cut about that much as well. I felt like a fucking genius. It was awesome. But, yeah, it's a bit flabby and with tummy tuck I would probably put it at #2 because it is a lot of fun. 

Sympathy for Lady Vengeance - More revenge. What is it with Koreans and revenge? Because they are REALLY good at it. It kinda frays at the end as the frightening trajectory of the main character is aborted. Similar to Thirst, I thought there were two films in here that could have been better if explored separately.

Thirst - There are three good films in here, but they add up to one that is OK. I think this speaks to a difference in expectations; whereas I am more accustomed to more static, less dimensional characters, Korean audiences may be more accustomed to exploring the different dimensions of a character and the arcs off of those facets. Personally, I don't think "complicated" is necessarily better.You will probably have a hard time understanding the characters, but you might be able to appreciate some very refreshingly unconventional themes.

Sky Blue - OK, I didn't even like this film, but I enjoyed the visuals and appreciated that it was not absurdly convoluted like Japanese animated films. If you are a teenager and your amygdala is in overdrive you might like this. Either way, I regret mentioning it now.

Starbucks Does Not Sell Life Skills

Starbucks is weird, it's like its own little world. It has its own music, its own language, its own cool mood lighting. But I found the things you learn in Starbucks world can't really help you in the real world. I was at the bar and I ordered a Venti Gin and Tonic. Did you know that, apparently, Venti means 20? Yeah, crazy, huh. Having 20 shots of Gin was a pretty intense experience. I may or may not have fucked a goat, I dunno, things got a little fuzzy around shot 6 or 7.

Why You Should Watch First Blood Again

     What are the predominant images of Rambo? Wielding a 50 caliber machine gun single handedly, shooting people with explosive arrows, ramming a Russian helicopter with a tank, lining up against the whole Russian army in the open field, and generally absurdly badass and violent shit. However, the vast majority of this icon we have comes from the three films that followed First Blood. First Blood is an oddity in the Rambo Quadrilogy in that it’s a different kind of movie, about different kinds of things, and with different kinds of characters. Would you believe me if I told you that Rambo does not kill anyone? Would you believe me if I told you that he spends the majority of his time running away from conflict and even attempts to call a truce with the men chasing him? Would you believe me if I told you that Rambo ends the movie weeping openly in the arms of another man? Yep, John J. Fucking Rambo. He’s as gentle as a Christmas lamb. In fact there’s not a lot about First Blood that falls in line with what we expect from Rambo.

     Rambo became legendary for his violence and explosions (the pyrotechnics became exceptionally over-the-top, you know who you are “waterfall scene”), but what we get in First Blood is Rambo using his guerrilla warfare techniques to sneakily incapacitate his pursuers – as opposed to liquefying them with a 20mm automatic cannon or piloting a tank over them. Ultimately, with the exception of Teasle, Rambo’s victims in First Blood walk into traps during their pursuit and are thus justifiably incapacitated by Rambo as the defender, not aggressor. Likewise, the explosions caused by Rambo are meant only to be distractions – no one gets exploded!

     It’s important to point out that, unlike all of the sequels, First Blood takes place right here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A (actually filmed in Canada), so immediately there is not that typical Rambo conflict of “us versus them” that absolves him from mercilessly slaughtering droves communist meat – this time, the meat is us. That is really the crux of meaning in First Blood, it’s about the internal struggle of America dealing with returned Vietnam vets as much as it is about the internal struggle of Rambo dealing with his nature, his past, and the difficulties moving forward into the future. Notice how I wrote “internal” when describing a Rambo film, that’s fucking crazy, right? The rest of the Rambo films really just focus on what Rambo does to people, mainly kill them, while he remains very two dimensional. Essentially, Rambo becomes a parody of Rambo and by the fourth installment I started to wonder if Sylvester Stallone and company knew this as well. For example, in Rambo (2008) when the mercenary says he’s seen Rambo’s “thousand yard stare” before, haven't we all? After First Blood that stare became a sort of short-hand for the internal world of Rambo that writers and directors of the last three films did not care to explore.

     Another key feature that further distinguishes First Blood from the rest of the series is the use of figurative and symbolic elements that reveal depth in the narrative. Sure, naming the town “Hope,” in which the veteran cannot stay, is pretty obvious, but the scene in which Rambo is trapped in the dark, claustrophobic, and labyrinthine caves and beset by rats is very much appreciated. Certainly the cave scene does absolutely nothing to advance the killer reputation of Rambo, but that reinforces my point, First Blood is not about killing, it was an internal conflict. Also, there’s a whole thread running through the film about “civilian vs. non-civilian” that weaves through a lot of the things I already wrote about, but I mention it just because it is indicative of the kind of deeper thought and meaning explored in First Blood and subsequently forgotten about.

     This is probably a good place to point out that First Blood was based on the novel by David Morrell and it was the only installment to have such a literary basis. Of course it is also no surprise then that the director and writer of First Blood did not come back for round two, three, or four.

     So what’s the point? The Rambo Trilogy is garbage - it is just thoughtless junk, it has no meaning, and it has no substance. In particular, First Blood II is utter and irredeemable shit, Rambo III is like porn without the good stuff, and Rambo (2008) flirted with the idea of being sincere, but decided to stick an M80 in a cat’s ass instead. Those three films belong together, really, they deserve each other. But not First Blood. It doesn’t belong. It is a good film and if it is given a chance outside of the expectations put on it by subsequent Rambo films, has a lot to offer.

"Listen up kids, this is how Rambo solves problems."

Sarah Palin

Have You Seen The Price of Gasoline?

Ha! I love it, especially the farty instrument. I haven't seen the price of gasoline, and I don't give a shit, but I'm sure it's outrageous. Who else is brown, has shitloads of oil, and is willing to accept America's liberation? Problem solved.

The American Internet

Everyone knows that America owns the internet. America put a flag right in the internet's asshole, claimed it, and is now waterboarding it. You're the one who is arrogant for thinking you could do anything about it.

Senate Passes Bill To Quash Pirate Websites  

Butt Hair

     The theory put forth and accepted largely by the scientific community basically says that the anus fuzz is just a left-over from our hairy ancestors and remained as a sort of “residue” of the ball hair. The function of the ball hair, says the scientific community, is to keep the balls warm and to protect the gentle, little scrotums of ancient man from UV damage. It is a well accepted theory that. “Going commando” did not develop until surprisingly late in the evolution of the human species, not until Homo sapiens. Scientists claim that, while many of man’s ancestors before sapiens dangled their balls freely in the open air (Homo ergaster was noted as having a particular gift for freely dangling its balls) it was not until H. sapiens had the option of clothing their junk that they could shun such coverings and thus could, in the technically appropriate use of the term, “go commando.” Like most modern humans, the body is unsure what to do with that area between the butt and balls, colloquially called the “gooch,” “BB,” or “trundle,” and thus does not distinguish the area behind the balls as separate from the balls themselves. So, basically, as long as you have hair on your balls you will have hair in your butt, so scientists say. 

  

New Word

Zaz (n.)

1. The quality of being lively, exciting, and energetic.

• Informal. The quality of being unique.
• Do you see that guy rollerblading shirtless with the spandex shorts and pink "Corona" visor? That guy has zaz. 

2. A thing that adds zaz.

• This hotdog is plain, put some fuckin' zaz on it!

 Zazzy (adj.) zazzier, zazziest.

1. Pertaining to or suggestive of zaz.

• You are zazzy.

Origin: Because I've got shit to do  I don't have time to to go around all day saying your long-ass words(short for pizzaz).

  

New Look!

In order to increase this blog's chances of getting herpes, I've made it more attractive. That zazzy header? Mine. That sick-nasty background. Mine. Kinda (look, don't get into it, because, you know, I'm sure you have better things to do that call me out on some bullshit. I know that's how the internet works, but just know that I will not hesitate to delete your stupid comments if you decide to try and be "the smartest guy in the room.").

Problem Solving Skills

[11:32:01 PM] LatinaMaid69:whoa...she sounds kinda crazy
[11:32:11 PM] BiGBaWLa007: Yeah.
[11:32:52 PM] BiGBaWLa007: I have no idea how I was supposed to distinguish her bowl from the mess of other shit in the house.
[11:33:15 PM] LatinaMaid69: wow...i'm sorry, that sounds lame
[11:33:34 PM] BiGBaWLa007: It makes me want to rub my dick on her towel when she's not home.
[11:33:54 PM] BiGBaWLa007: Face towel.
[11:34:06 PM] LatinaMaid69: ewww!!  do it do it!
[11:34:13 PM] BiGBaWLa007: Haha. Did it.
[11:34:40 PM] BiGBaWLa007: That's how I roll
[11:34:51 PM] BiGBaWLa007: I put my dick on stuff that you use.

New Word

Rambo (v.)

1. Perform an activity with excessive destruction and/or violence.

• For example, if you are making pancakes and to stir the batter you put the tip of your automatic machine gun in the bowl and pull the trigger - you ramboed the batter. If in order to cook those pancakes you set fire to the house and tore apart your refrigerator to use the scrap metal as the grill - you ramboed the pancakes.    
• I am so hungry I will rambo that cheesburger.   
• This guy in a helicopter was trying to shoot me while I was in a tank, so I ramboed him.