COWBOYS AND ALIENS - WORST MOVIE REVIEW EVER WRITTEN!

Cowboys and Aliens, this is the big climactic action scene.

Cowboys and Aliens? A vague title including two seemingly dissonant factions  -  the first: real, rugged, and the largest demographic of Ford truck owners; the other: a fevered, often violating, pubescent dream of kids who enjoy math. What’s not to like? Everyone gets equal service, the same, equal, awful service.  I’m a big fan of Favreau and the way his name rolls off my tongue, but I have a feeling he has pushed the limits of how much alcohol I need to consume to enjoy his movies. Iron Man 1, I could enjoy sober. Iron Man 2, I needed a couple gin shots with brewsky chasers. Cowboys and Aliens, I shotgunned a pint of absynthe and spent the last half of the movie blind and having a conversation with the Planters Peanuts guy. To enjoy Favreau’s next movie I’ll have to inject Everclear directly into my veins and spend the next five years in a coma. I'm coming home Mr. Peanut!

With such an all-star cast, how did it all go so horribly wrong? Fresh off of her Italian holiday, is there a hotter starlet than Olivia Wilde? After his complicity in the rape of Indiana Jones, was there anyone we wanted to see redeemed more than Harrison Ford? Since he is my idol, is there anyone on Earth we would rather be than Daniel Craig? I don’t know the answer to the first two questions, but the last one is a resounding “NO!” In addition to hot abs,  Daniel Craig has brought a conflicted, complex, and nuanced approach to his roles as good and bad characters alike in movies like Casino Royale and Layer Cake. He just simmers in every role, ready to burn anyone foolish enough to get too close. Nobody is a bigger fan than me. I wonder what he smells like? Plus, he recently married Rachel Weisz – my total Hollywood dream babe! OMG! It’s like me and Daniel are living the dream, together, as one! I want to live inside of him and wear his skin and walk around in it and make love to his beautiful wife in it. We are like one entity, me and DC. Nobody can keep us apart... NOBODY!

Anyway, why do aliens always get right up in people’s faces and scream? That’s stupid. If I’m an alien and I’ve traveled billions of star-miles to get to Earth and when I finally get close to a human all I can think of is to get right in his face and scream some unintelligible shit? I don’t think so. What in the hell were those alien’s doing for all the star-years it took to get here? I don’t drive to work without thinking about what I’m going to say at my morning meeting. I don't just show up and start screaming in my secretary’s face. If I were traveling to an alien planet and I had many star-years to get there, I would totally think of something really awesome and witty to say. Although, I’ll bet that when I got to the alien planet I’d watch one of their movies and it would be about some idiot human screaming in an alien’s face. I guess that’s life . . . star-life. Zing!