RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES - THE EXCLUSIVE PNI INTERVIEW

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, like a warm, pillowy, ball of dough under the care and attention of a master baker, has risen. RotPotA is a spellbinding romp through the ultimate "what if?" scenario: what if John Lithgow found work again? Pure genius is the answer. I wondered what 'ol Johnny boy had been up to for the last decade, and apparently he was deeply imbedded in a retirement home for Alzheimer's patients doing research for his role as an Alzheimer's patient who should be in a retirement home. The years of careful study certainly paid of because his off-beat, absent-minded weirdness was unlike any of the off-beat, absent-minded weirdness he has become known for. Nailed it. That, folks, is what we in the business like to call acting.

The following is a transcript of my exclusive interview with Mr. John Lithgow:

Me: John, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us today.

John: My pleasure.

I only wish that the whole movie could have been focused on John Lithgow and his wacky hijinks, but instead they had to muddle the whole story by involving some apes. See, the problem with the apes is it just confused the hell out of me, emotionally. With Lithgow, at least I know where I stand, I want him to overcome his adversity, beat the odds, and make it out OK. In short, I know who's team I'm on, Team Lithgow. Now, you throw in all this monkey business and all of a sudden I don't know who's team I'm on or even what game I'm playing. The main monkey, Caesar, is amazing, his experience is so powerful, and his plight so relateable that I can't help but identify and attach myself emotionally to his journey, which is fine until he leads a revolution against the humans! That's my species! Nooooooo! My childlike moral compass can't handle it!

I continually found myself rooting for Caesar and his pals to go 187 on a muthafuckin' cop. Wait! I don't mean that! When that mean looking monkey was facing down that black guy in the downed helicopter, something deep inside said "do it." No! That's a lie! I felt real, genuine joy as Caesar and company broke through the human ranks and made it to freedom amongst the redwoods. Jesus Christ! I am a monkey lover!

For shame!

As a human myself, how could I allow myself to get so close to the enemy? What sort of monkey magic possessed me and won me over, heart and mind? I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself or fit back into human society again. I don't fit in as a human because I am too ape, and I don't fit in with apes because I am too human. Oh, what cruel fate. You damned dirty apes . . . I love you.

Also, I'd like to add: fuckin' Malfoy.

Move all my shares into banana futures . . . Yeah, that's right, fuckin' Bananas!