Captain America. Captain of a once proud nation. Cappy stands as a symbol of the core values that made America great, values which have been systematically violated and cast aside by that very nation while Captain America slept in his icy bed. When America violated its own values, it violated Captain America - and while he was passed out no less. Disgusting. Such a crime. Literally, anywhere you go in the civilized world, that is a crime. We’ve treated Captain America like a freshmen sorority girl and we should feel terrible (perhaps donate some of our trust fund interest payments to a battered women shelter). But now, finally, we get to hear his story.
Endowed with superhuman speed, strength, and regenerative abilities, along with chiseled abs and muffin titties, how could such a man embody the fightin’ underdog spirit of America? Simple, make us believe that underneath that endless handsome and muscle there is a withered up, asthmatic, near-handicapped man. And isn’t this a near perfect metaphor for the country that Captain America represents? A nation with a military so powerful it could destroy all life on the face of this earth with the touch of a button, yet is convinced that at its heart, it’s very soul, it is a simple, vehemently unsophisticated, mildly retarded man. America believes that deep down inside, at its center, it is merely your toothless cousin from Nebraska who’s overalls are way too big and are caked with cow shit. This way, despite having the largest military on earth and the most powerful weapons ever invented, America, in its own mind, and Captain America, in his own mind, remain the underdog - that scrappy fighter that never backs down from an insult and is always willing to stand up for what’s right. It is true, a weak man knows the value of power, which right now is exactly $98.56 USD per barrel. Go get ‘em Cappy!
First of all, it’s never OK to wear a flag as a piece of clothing. I enjoyed how half the movie was dedicated to justifying Captain America’s appalling fashion decision, but, in the end, even that wasn’t enough. He wears an American flag suit, lame, but wait! It gets better! He does it because he was part of a traveling theater performance company that sang show tunes and danced - which he enjoyed so much that he wanted to wear his shitty costume all the time to constantly be reminded of it. Bullshit. Evil Knieval did it, but at least he was drunk and hated himself. Listen to me, Cappy, you need to burn the uniform of this and every other shitty job you ever left. Trust me, it’s part of the healing process. Get yourself something strappy, play with proportions a little, and it wouldn’t hurt to put a boot cut on those trousers.
So, we know Steve Rogers is dreamboat, but what about the rest of the cast?
- Red Skull. He quit the Nazi’s right? So that makes it cool to say that I think he’s awesome right? Because he is. Did you see those outfits? And that car? Awesome! But if he is still a Nazi, I totally take that back. It's too bad about the face too. I'll bet that is a deal breaker for most women. How could he kiss with those lips? He probably weeps with loneliness when he pounds off his withered, red junk.
- Peggy Carter has an amazing rack, almost as nice as Captain America’s.
- Philip Seymour Hoffman’s stunt double filled in nicely for the role of Dr. Zola.
- Tommy Lee Jones was, again, cast in the role of Tommy Lee Jones in the role that Tommy Lee Jones was born to play . . . over and over again
So, was the movie any good? Who gives a fuck? You're going to go see it anyway or chances are you've seen it already. I have. I'm just as guilty as you.
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