I LOVE MALAYSIA! - The Ultimate Travel Guide to Malaysia

A quick glance at Google analytics has proven to me what I've always suspected, Malaysia loves me. There are depressingly few people that visit this blog, and for depressingly good reasons, but I am ecstatic that a majority of my guests are from what I now consider to be my adopted nation, Malaysia. Yes, Malaysia, you have welcomed me with open arms, you've peered deep into the vacant spot where my soul should be and you filled it up with your humid, tropical love. Someday I hope to visit you and share my love with you in a much more intimate fashion in as many places as I can get at.

When I  am finally able to visit my new nation I will wear my finest baju and put on my favorite songkok in all of the kampung I can see. I can't wait to share stories of our many similarities over keropok lekor and nasi melak. It will be like coming home again, for the first time.

To honor the love and respect paid to me by the people of Malaysia, I will show my appreciation in the only way that my stunted emotional growth will allow - with derision and sarcasm.

These two buildings (their name  roughly translates to "Giant H") are the worlds largest sweat shop. 95 percent of all cloths for sale at your local mall were made in these towers. These towers are literally a nightmare within. The horrors and degradations that occur upon the helpless workers inside are beyond what you silly westerners were able to dream up in you 7 terraces of purgatory. The local people's name for this roughly translates to: "Palace of Lost Souls." It is a cruel fate that awaits those desperate enough to find themselves trapped within.

This is the Malaysian Prime Minister. He was on heavy sedatives when this picture was taken because that is a traditional pastime of the Malaysian elite. Much like the Victorian upper-class adoration for pale, white skin (which connotes a level of wealth that allowed one to purchase expensive sunblock made from beluga fat), the Malaysian upper-class takes a near fatal cocktail of painkillers and sedatives to indicate that they have the level of wealth that will allow them to sit around in a bleary eyed stupor all day then pay for medical bills and rehab when they start foaming at the mouth and pass out.

This is Malaysian food! It's made with a specific blend of fresh spices developed over centuries to give white people diarrhea - and it's worth every agonizing minute.

Fun Facts About Malaysia!

• Likelihood of U.S. invasion: 18%
   
• Percent of Malaysians named "Rick": 4%
   
• Favorite Beatle: Ringo
   
• Capitol City: Detroit
   
• Official Language: Malaysian and Romulan
   
• Largest Export: Malaysians
   
• National Bird: Cocoa Beware
   
• National Pastime: Recovering from dysentery
   
• National Anthem: Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac
   
• National Currency: Beads and animal pelts
   
• Least favorite Beatle: John Lennon

Malaysia holds the world record for the least populated building, which is 1.

Malaysia gained its independence from the Banana Republic January 4th, 1982, in what later became known as the Coconut Revolution. An uneasy truce exists to this day.

Malaysia's largest and, by far, most successful tourism marketing campaign is being mistaken for the country that was in The Hangover 2.