What a goddamn lemon. Somehow I really got sucked up into the hype machine during the build-up for Apollo 18's release. The cryptic, grainy trailers piqued my interest like a hot lady sitting on the bus with a really short skirt; however, when this lady uncrossed her legs all I saw was a big fat dong.
This movie review marks a departure from my typical movie reviews in that this time I didn’t actually bother to see the movie. What?! How can you deliver a cogent and insightful review of the movie if you haven’t seen it? First off, I find this question offensive. Not that I want to get off on the wrong foot or create a bad first impression, but fuck you. Who do you think you are? You barge your way onto my blog and tell me how to run things? I don’t think so. I’ve worked too damn . . . well, I was going to write “hard,” but . . . suffice to say I have done stuff with some discernible amount of effort. Whatever. The point is, if you are expecting anything cogent or insightful then it is obvious you have not read anything on this blog and that hurts my feelings. There, I said it.
Sorry, I just lashed out there. I didn’t mean that. I dunno what’s been going on with me. I guess I thought I would get more visitors here and really I’m just disappointed with myself. Now I’m transferring that anger to you. It’s not fair, you’re right. It really is my own fault. I mean, who would do a movie review about a movie they haven’t even seen? Jesus! Is that arrogance or just stupidity? Wow, this has been a real eye opener for me.
Sorry, I just lashed out there. I didn’t mean that. I dunno what’s been going on with me. I guess I thought I would get more visitors here and really I’m just disappointed with myself. Now I’m transferring that anger to you. It’s not fair, you’re right. It really is my own fault. I mean, who would do a movie review about a movie they haven’t even seen? Jesus! Is that arrogance or just stupidity? Wow, this has been a real eye opener for me.
I totally got you. I didn’t learn anything.
Oh, BTW:
THERE’S CRABS ON THE MOON! THE RUSSIANS GOT THERE FIRST! THEY DIE! IT’S A BUNCH OF CHEAP THRILLS! WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA! I’M STILL THE YAHTZEE KING!
My dad keeps trying to get me to see Apollo 18 with him. May I say that you actually saw it and that it was total garbage? It looks so vile.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is that Olivia Munn? That outfit would not work in space at all.
Truth be told, I did see it and it was really bad. I wish I could unsee it. I really did get caught up in the hype though, and that's why it was sooo disappointing. Don't see it. Don't rent it. Wait for a friend to rent it and then make sure that there aren't any reruns of the Family Feud on (the black one, not the white one. Nobody cares about the white one). Only then will it be "worth it."
ReplyDeleteThat is Olivia Munn. NASA has ended "manned" spaceflight, but not "whored" spaceflight. Zing.
The acting wasn't bad, and the sets were fine, just the plot had trouble getting off the ground, kind of flopped around like a dying fish, then finally died.
ReplyDeletePlot had trouble getting off the ground? It was in space! Zing!
ReplyDeleteDead fish is a bit of a dead fish. Other possible directions for your metaphor: foul smells, things that are delicious with butter and garlic, hippy concerts, or something about Asians. I dunno, you have a better idea?