CONTAGION - The Filthiest Movie Review Ever

Contagion, my God! I’m covered in filth! Tiny disgusting germs all over my body! Crawling around my mouth, my hands, my mind. So unclean.  Everything I touch—filth! Must. Quarantine. EVERYTHING. 

The only thing you need to know about Contagion, is that Contagion is REAL . . . or at least could be real. Contagion is unique in that it was not created by traditional means, that is, with a film crew and cameras. In fact, Contagion was not filmed at all. Contagion is actually a detailed simulation created by a robot, named Real-time Indicator of Contagion Outbreak, or RICO, which was built by the US government.  The government built RICO to simulate the spread of serious diseases associated with Gwenyth Paltrow in the hopes of managing and controlling the devastation of an inevitable outbreak. After living through the biological terror unleashed by Patrick Dempsey (AKA McDreamy) in 1995’s Outbreak, the US government began a secret plan of devising simulations around the Hollywood stars most likely to unleash the next deadly plague. Luckily, Gwenyth Paltrow showed up at the top of that list. 

RICO does more 
than simulate...

RICO simulated the spread of Gwenyth Paltrow’s destructive biological agent through complex calculations and algorithms that were cross referenced with the vector and R-0 factors in a double blind taste test. The initial results concluded that Pepsi was the clear taste winner, but further refinement provided a much more meaningful result in the form of a feature length movie, Contagion. Essentially, Contagion is RICO’s final report revealing the world’s fate once Paltrow goes “patient 0.”

Many critics have questioned why RICO reported the final results of its simulation in the form of a feature length movie, but the answer to this stupid question is obvious: nobody reads reports. It is estimated that, had RICO produced a traditional report with words on paper—boring—the report would have topped 3,000 pages.  A report that long would take a special kind of loser to read, the kind of loser who lives his or her life in completely marginalized obscurity. We’re talking about the kind of loser who; when they talk to you, you tune out; when they call you, you screen it; and when they email you, you report it as a phishing scam. Nobody would pay attention to a super loser, but people would definitely pay attention to an all-star cast that includes Academy Awards winners Gwenyth Paltrow, Matt Damon, and Kate Winslet, Academy Awards nominee and Emmy winner Lawrence Fishburne, and Dimitri Martin. Matt Damon, ‘nuff said. 

Bart Rickleton, 
Government Man

Similarly, many have criticized the US government’s release of the feature length simulation as “alarmist” and “needless doomsaying.” The US government responded in a press release saying the simulation is a critical warning to the public concerning the inevitable outbreak. Bart Rickleton, Important Government Man from the US Department of Homeland Security, said: “the more we can spread awareness and get the word out, the more prepared we will be. Perhaps the greatest enemy we face is panic. So, through this movie we hope that instead of asking ‘when will Gwenyth Paltrow unleash a devastating virus that will bring humanity to the brink’ people will ask, ‘am I prepared for when Gwenyth Paltrow unleashes a devastating virus that will bring humanity to the brink.’” He added: “we hope, for most people, the answer will be ‘yes, I’m ready.’”

The simulation's final recommendation for surviving the oncoming hellscape is to find Matt Damon and drink his blood to absorb his power. It’s the only way to be sure.

So, ladies and gentlemen, Contagion is not merely a movie concocted by a government robot named RICO to showcase the emerging acting talents of Dimitri Martin, it is a record of our inescapable future—it is our collective Ghost of Christmas Future. Now we are all faced with a choice: will we heed this dire warning and shore ourselves against the oncoming devastation or turn a deaf ear and welcome Gwenyth Paltrow’s destruction. Me? If you need me I'll be soaking in a bathtub full of hand sanitizer, surrounded by canned food, and gripping a shotgun because I am filthy. So filthy.