Life is awful. It really is. People who tell you otherwise are on drugs or fucking the neighbor's wife, and the only reason they are doing either one of those things is to escape how awful life is. Some people have called me a pessimist... that's not true. I'm really an upbeat kinda guy, it just so happens that the stuff I'm upbeat about is really negative and depressing. That's not really my fault, is it? That's your problem... goddamn labels.
So, FYI, now my mom is bangin' some new dude. She told me that I should meet him. Oh really? Apparently, he's smart, a writer, and an artist. We have so much in common! And this is good to know: that the dude my mom is bangin' is just like her son, me. That's healthy. Why would I have issues?
You are supposed to want what makes other people happy, especially the ones you love, but no one puts that to the test more than the one's you love. No one knows how to stretch the boundaries of human generosity and kindness like loved ones. It's like, while you thought you were merely spending gay 'ol times together, they were really studying and probing your every weakness so that they could strike with pinpoint precision and swiftly excise your tender, human soul at their earliest convenience.
Family is possibly the worst. They grew up with you, they raised you. Not only do they know your weaknesses, they made your weaknesses. Yes, through years of mental manipulation and neglect, it's like they've programed a "back door into the system" and they can just crash that muthafucka whenever they please. TOTAL SYSTEM FAILURE! There's a lot of movies about superheroes, but, you know what? If you've ever been to a family holiday, Easter, Thanksgiving, or, Lord have mercy, Christmas, and you made it until the very end without losing your shit... that's a real superpower. Every year you don't punch a sibling or tell your insane aunt just how fucking insane she really is, you are a superhero.
And in the end, sometimes it's the things you don't do that show how much you care.
Top 5 tips for staying upbeat and positive while your loved ones try to destroy your soul:
- Drugs. Lots of them.
- NyQuil. We love you, you giant fucking Q.
- Hooker Role Play. Nothing lets off that anger quicker that taking it out on a hooker. Seriously, dress 'em up like someone you despise, knock 'em around, tie 'em up, whip the shit out of 'em (all of this is extra, by the way). You know those people you hate and think: "fuck 'em!" Well, you can, literally.
- Food. There is a reason why there are so many morbidly obese people, because even though food isn't love, it's pretty damn close. And, you know what? There isn't really a lot of love going around, so guess what? We've got a lot of fatties. Don't hate, there are certainly worse things to fill that void in your soul with than chicken nuggets and Sarah Lee frozen cheese cake. Nom noms!
- Fire. Yes, setting fire to things can be extremely gratifying. I recommend starting out small and as people fail to take notice of your obsession, go progressively bigger. Once you experience the thrill of getting away with your first arson, you'll be hooked!
